I'm STILL Healing

Poem-Toker, here. Yesterday, exactly on the 1st of this month, I knew I strayed away from healthy habits. It has been a struggle to stay on track with a healthy lifestyle.

When I was with my Narcissistic ex, I loved to exercise, every day... Until he told me I was "too skinny" and he decided he preferred chubby girls. Women have different body shapes, health needs, preferences. I believe all women and people are beautiful, as long as they express themselves beautifully from the inside. My ex and I met when I was a high school freshman and 110 pounds. He was a Junior with the build of a football player.

He projected his self-absorbed-self-hatred, onto me. Imagine this: a type of guy who can eat an entire pizza, wants you to gain weight, but then complains about feeling hungry, because you forced yourself to eat half of the pizza; just to prove that you could do it and to satisfy the fact of most likely gaining 2 pounds in an evening. I just don't get it.

So, I stopped working out. I drank a ton of milk and ate food combinations that make you gain weight, fast. My average weight is 127lbs. I went from 130lbs to 160lbs within 2 months.

Now, that I am with a kind man, the love of my life, and plan to bear children before my 30s, I want to get in shape. I'm currently 140lbs.

Yesterday, I denied sugar and drank a lot of water. I even made vegan pudding. Took some self-care time. I didn't push myself too hard or get down on myself for not completing a task. I have a headache, insomnia, I really want sweet tea. Basically, I'm still working on myself. Not just mentally but physically. I want to enjoy exercise, again. Every time I try to, I think of him telling me how I was "full of vanity."

I'm setting a challenge for myself to fight that thought. It starts by working on cleaning my bedroom, my workout space, and that negative voice of the past.